Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
