Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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