Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
