Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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