Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
we have officially lost it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
