Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
