I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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