I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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