He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
