My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
