I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
