I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
