I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your penis caused this!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
