I need to stop coming to work sober
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
