At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
