You smell like stripper and shame
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
