For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
