Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if only i could text you this smell
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
