Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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