i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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