I hate all girls vehemently.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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