I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
