the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
