Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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