He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
