I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
