the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
