Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
