WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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