im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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