my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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