Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
