I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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