I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
