I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
