the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
