if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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