She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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