Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
