Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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