I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
