I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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