My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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