he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
