She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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