I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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