I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
