Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
