worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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