I wanna bring you to show and tell
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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