I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
