College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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