my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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