just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
