How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
