And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
