Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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