i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
