you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
