Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
