it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
