Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The beer is more important than you right now.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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